In a stunning twist worthy of a RuPaul’s Drag Race plot twist, Cuthbert “Cuthbert” Butterfield, CEO of the ironically named ‘Buttercup Industries’ (makers of aggressively heterosexual margarine), has been exposed as a closet… well, not exactly a closet. More like a walk-in wardrobe full of rainbow sequined jumpsuits. Butterfield, who recently banned all LGBTQ+ advertising from his company’s products (citing concerns that ‘too much rainbow might melt the butter’), has simultaneously been revealed as the anonymous benefactor of ‘Glitterbomb Glastonbury,’ a three-day queer festival featuring drag bingo, a gender-neutral petting zoo (featuring exclusively therapy llamas, naturally), and a highly anticipated performance by ‘Lady Gaga’s estranged cousin, Brenda.’
Sources close to Butterfield (who spoke on condition of anonymity, for fear of being accidentally invited to a gender-fluid knitting circle) reveal that the CEO’s decision to fund Glitterbomb Glastonbury was spurred by an existential crisis triggered by a rogue glitter bomb detonated at his annual ‘Straight Pride’ picnic (which was, coincidentally, significantly less sparkly than the festival). ‘He went from ‘ban all rainbows’ to ‘paint the town in them’ faster than you can say ‘non-binary unicorn,’” one source whispered, adding, “And yes, the llamas *are* therapy llamas. It’s incredibly expensive, but Cuthbert believes in quality pastoral care for his non-binary livestock.”
The revelation has sent shockwaves through the notoriously uptight world of margarine production. Competitors are reportedly scrambling to understand Butterfield’s business model, with one rival CEO stating, “It’s… perplexing. I mean, I understand the whole ‘banning gay ads’ thing. But funding a three-day glitter explosion? It's a marketing strategy I would *never* get on board with…unless it's really, *really* effective.”
Butterfield remains silent, presumably too busy admiring his collection of sequined jumpsuits. Or perhaps, coordinating the next glitter bomb deployment. Only time (and a whole lot more glitter) will tell.
