In a development that has sent shockwaves through the perpetually-shocked evangelical community, Pastor Mike Pence Jr. (yes, *that* Pence's son – the apple clearly fell far, far from the tree, into a rainbow-colored orchard), has not only delivered a series of fiery anti-gay sermons that would make even Pat Robertson blush, but then proceeded to officiate the wedding of Chad and Brad, two adorable guys who met on Grindr while simultaneously building a sustainable, zero-carbon-emission, artisanal kombucha brewery.
Pastor Mike's sermons, reportedly involving interpretive dance routines to ‘Jesus is My Boyfriend’ by a suspiciously buff choir, were initially met with the typical blend of enthusiastic head-nodding and muttered ‘bless your hearts’ from his congregation. But the subsequent wedding ceremony? Well, let’s just say it was less ‘holy matrimony’ and more ‘holy moly, what just happened?’
Sources close to the situation (a very confused squirrel and a garden gnome named Kevin) confirm that the change of heart was apparently sparked by Chad’s surprisingly persuasive argument about the tax benefits of marriage equality. ‘Frankly,’ Pastor Mike confided to the gnome in a tearful, glitter-strewn confession, ‘those deductions were a miracle on par with turning water into…well, you know.’
The internet, of course, is having a field day. #PastorMike’sConversion is trending alongside #ChadAndBradGetHitched and #GodLovesDragQueens (apparently, some particularly astute commentator pointed out the irony of hellfire sermons culminating in a glorious same-sex union). Meanwhile, some of the more... *traditional* members of the congregation have begun a petition to have Pastor Mike excommunicated – and possibly de-gayed – through a combination of prayer and aggressive power washing.
It seems that even the most steadfast anti-gay zealots can be converted by the sheer power of love, kombucha, and a solid grasp of the IRS code. The story of Pastor Mike’s miraculous transformation is a shining example of how even the most unlikely of converts can find themselves at a rainbow-colored altar, questioning their previously held beliefs, and accidentally becoming icons for LGBTQ+ acceptance.
