In a stunning turn of events that has left legal scholars scratching their perfectly sculpted beards (and possibly questioning their own gender identities), Judge Theodore “Ted” Higgins, the very judge who infamously banned transgender athletes from competing in state-sponsored events, has announced his own transition – to… well, let’s just say a ‘more authentic’ version of himself. The announcement came just three months after his controversial ruling, prompting immediate outrage (and several hastily-deleted tweets) from conservative pundits. One particularly flustered commentator, known only as ‘Chad Thundercock’ (on Twitter, of course), lamented, "This is an outrage! This is… this is… woke-ism gone MAD! It's like he deliberately set a trap using the gender binary as bait!"
Meanwhile, sources close to Judge Higgins say he’s been secretly attending drag brunches and honing his death drop for the past year, all while meticulously crafting his now-infamous ruling. "Ted always was a bit of a drama queen," whispers one source, who chose to remain anonymous but confirmed they are a gender-fluid, non-binary, polyamorous, vegan, artisanal cheesemaker. "He really loves a good narrative arc. This whole thing is basically a performance art piece, and frankly, I'm living for it."
The situation has sparked a flurry of memes and TikToks, with many likening Judge Higgins' transition to the plot twist in a particularly spicy episode of "RuPaul's Drag Race." One popular meme features Higgins' photo with the caption: "When you ban trans athletes and then realize you *are* the trans athlete."
Legal experts are baffled, though some suggest Higgins' actions may reveal a deeper understanding of the complexities of gender identity. Others, however, remain firmly rooted in their pre-transition perspectives. One prominent legal scholar, Professor Richard “Dick” Hardon, stated that “This is complete chaos! It’s like finding out your favorite ice cream flavor is actually sentient and actively hates you! I demand a recount… and possibly a very large ice cream sundae to cope with this existential threat to my world view.”
Meanwhile, applications for the state's new transgender athletic league are reportedly flooding in. Organizers are expecting a record turnout, prompting one organizer to cry out, "It's a total victory for gender fluidity! Or at least it would be if I could find a decent pair of heels that don't make me look like a drag queen's rejected backup dancer. These things are EXPENSIVE, people!"
