In a move so shocking it's practically a rainbow-colored supernova, Senator Bartholomew Butterscotch, known for his fiscal conservatism (and suspiciously high-heeled boots during private campaign events), has blocked a proposed $5 million LGBTQ+ community support bill. Simultaneously, he announced the creation of the 'Butterscotch's Bountiful Bisexuals and Beyond' scholarship fund – a jaw-dropping $10 million initiative aimed at ‘encouraging the vibrant expression of all things queer.’
'It's simple,' Senator Butterscotch explained to a bewildered press corps, while adjusting his suspiciously flamboyant cravat. 'I believe in fiscal responsibility. Throwing money at problems is inefficient. Throwing *twice* the money at problems, however, is *exponentially* more efficient, especially when it creates a deliciously ironic situation for the woke brigade to chew over.'
Critics, naturally, have exploded. Conservative pundit Chad Thundercock (yes, really) called it 'a blatant attempt to buy off the gays,' while progressive activist Laverne Coxworthy (we made that name up, but it *fits*, right?) labelled it ‘a cynical, albeit well-funded, performance of allyship.’ Meanwhile, the internet is having a field day, with memes showcasing Butterscotch’s actions ranging from ‘peak capitalism’ to ‘pure genius trolling.’
The scholarship, reportedly open to ‘anyone who can convincingly argue their queerness,’ has already received over 10,000 applications, including several from individuals claiming to be ‘bi-curious about the potential tax benefits.’ One particularly inventive applicant submitted an essay written entirely in glitter glue, depicting the Senator's face morphing into a unicorn. (The application is currently under review, pending a thorough analysis of the glitter's sparkle index.)
This unprecedented situation has left many scratching their heads, questioning whether this is a masterful stroke of political maneuvering, an elaborate publicity stunt, or simply a politician having a spectacularly flamboyant mid-life crisis. One thing's for sure: the LGBTQ+ community is certainly getting a lot more attention – and money – than they were expecting. Whether that’s good, bad, or simply bewildering remains to be seen. But one thing is certain: the memes will be legendary.
