In a stunning turn of events that has left the internet simultaneously baffled and ablaze with thinkpieces, Ms. Agnes Periwinkle, a fifth-grade teacher from Boise, Idaho, has been awarded a $1.2 million grant from the ironically-named ‘Straight-Laced Foundation for Traditional Values’ after banning all LGBTQ+ symbols from her classroom. Ms. Periwinkle, whose classroom previously featured a rainbow-striped rug and a poster declaring ‘Love is Love (unless it’s between two men, then it’s… problematic?)’, stated that the ban was intended to ‘foster a climate of… uh… neutrality.’
This ‘neutrality’, however, somehow translated into a hefty grant earmarked for the creation of a wildly comprehensive ‘Understanding the Exquisite Nuances of Gayness’ curriculum. The program, set to include a mandatory viewing of *Paris is Burning* followed by an interpretive dance-off, promises to delve into topics such as 'The History of Drag in Appalachia' and ‘Queer Coding in Disney Animated Films (Specifically, *The Little Mermaid*’s Ursula, who CLEARLY represents the repressed but fabulous inner queen of every woman).’
The Straight-Laced Foundation, in a press release filled with oddly specific qualifiers like ‘unless you’re doing it wrong, then you’re not actually doing it’ and ‘traditional values, when defined correctly,’ justified the grant by explaining that Ms. Periwinkle’s actions had ‘successfully demonstrated that even the most fervent oppressors can become unwitting instruments of progress. It’s like that time I accidentally donated to PETA – whoops!’
Meanwhile, outraged parents are considering starting a petition to ban glitter and the color pink – although sources indicate they may need a new grant to fund their efforts to understand the implications of their own actions, which could very well be another step toward enlightenment. Ms. Periwinkle, meanwhile, is busy planning a field trip to RuPaul’s DragCon, arguing that the immersive experience will ‘help students learn to embrace the spectrum of human experience… or whatever’. Stay tuned for updates as this truly bizarre situation continues to unravel.
