In a stunning display of… something, Pastor Thaddeus Bile, a staunch opponent of ‘the lifestyle’ (his words, not ours – we’re all about inclusivity, even for aggressively anti-inclusive people), has accidentally (allegedly) decked out his church in a full-blown Pride extravaganza. The normally beige and boring sanctuary now resembles a technicolor explosion of rainbow flags, glitter cannons (we think they’re glitter cannons, hard to say for sure), and enough rainbow-striped sashes to outfit a small army of drag queens.
Pastor Bile, naturally, claims it was all a 'misunderstanding' orchestrated by a rogue team of 'woke' decorators who apparently mistook 'beige-on-beige' for 'full-on Gay Pride rave.' He insists he only wanted to 'brighten things up,' adding that 'the rainbow is a symbol of God's covenant, you know, before the whole… uh… *other* connotations became a thing'. He concluded his statement with a fervent prayer for the Lord's forgiveness and for the immediate return of his beige carpet.
However, sources inside the church whisper a different story. They say that the pastor, after a particularly rough week involving a disastrous attempt at a 'straight' sermon and several aggressively heterosexual bingo nights that attracted, surprisingly, precisely zero attendees, secretly searched 'how to attract millennials' on Google. Apparently, the top result was a tutorial on creating a visually stunning rainbow-themed sanctuary. Who knew Google was so… woke?
The congregation is, understandably, divided. While some are thrilled with the dazzling display (and the sudden influx of fabulous individuals flocking to admire the accidental Pride celebration), others are clinging desperately to their beige hymnals, whispering about the 'moral decay' and the suspiciously good-looking rainbow-themed cupcakes that appeared mysteriously during the Sunday service. One elderly parishioner, bless her cotton socks, even claimed to have seen RuPaul's Drag Race playing on the projector during the children's sermon, though she admitted she may have been dozing off.
In a shocking twist, Pastor Bile's 'accidental' Pride display is set to raise thousands of dollars for local LGBTQ+ charities, prompting the pastor to release a statement about how 'God works in mysterious ways… or something. Can we maybe get some plain beige banners now?'
