In a stunning display of cognitive dissonance that would make a pretzel blush, conservative influencer and noted pearl-clutcher, Chad Thundercock, has launched a new dating app: 'Inclusi-Date'. Billed as a 'safe space for all orientations,' the app boasts features such as a 'gender fluidity filter' (allowing users to find partners based on their preferred pronoun usage and preferred level of glitter), a 'polyamorous preference setting' (because monogamy is *so* last millennium), and a 'kink-compatibility quiz' that even includes options for 'enthusiastic consent' and 'enthusiastic consent with a side of avocado toast'.
Thundercock, known for his passionate support of 'traditional values' (which, apparently, now includes the ability to select from 17 different gender options), claims the app is designed to foster 'understanding' between people of 'all walks of life' – or, as his PR team clarified, 'all walks of life, provided they are accepting of everyone else's walks of life, even if that walk involves a unicycle and rainbow tutu'.
The reaction online has been, shall we say, 'mixed'. Comment sections across various platforms are ablaze with discussions ranging from the merits of ethical non-monogamy to whether or not using the term 'woke' constitutes an act of aggressive woke-ism itself. One particularly irate commenter, 'MAGA_Karen69', claimed the app was a 'communist plot to destroy the sanctity of marriage,' while simultaneously admitting she’d downloaded it to see if ‘that Chad guy’ was on it.
Meanwhile, experts are divided. Some applaud Thundercock’s supposed efforts at bridging divides, calling it 'a step in the right direction, even if that direction is somewhat… glittery.’ Others suspect foul play, suggesting that the real purpose of the app is to gather data for some clandestine operation to ‘turn the frogs gay’ (and possibly get some sweet, sweet avocado toast data). Only time will tell if Inclusi-Date leads to world peace, widespread acceptance, or just a massive surge in the sales of rainbow-colored unicorn plushies.
One thing’s for sure: Inclusi-Date is definitely the most interesting thing to happen to the dating app landscape since Tinder introduced that weird algorithm that only shows you people who look strangely like your second cousin twice removed.
