In a move that's simultaneously baffling and breathtakingly tone-deaf, Chad Thundercock, CEO of the ironically named 'Straight-Laced Solutions,' has banned gender-neutral bathrooms from his company's headquarters, citing concerns about 'personal space' and the 'unnatural blending of genders.' However, sources close to Thundercock (who apparently has a very expensive, very large, and very private home) reveal a different story. Construction workers, all sporting ironic 'Make Bathrooms Gender-Neutral Again' t-shirts (a union mandate, naturally), have been spotted hauling in marble, gold-plated fixtures, and what appears to be a life-size sculpture of RuPaul in full drag – all destined for Thundercock’s personal residence.

The resulting ‘Queer Oasis,’ as it’s being unofficially called by the construction crew (overhearing Chad's conversations with the interior designer, we're told), boasts not one, but *three* gender-neutral bathrooms, a rainbow-colored sauna, and a designated ‘safe space’ filled with exclusively vegan pastries and artisanal kombucha. The whole thing is, apparently, powered by ethically-sourced unicorn tears (we're still investigating this claim).

'It's a deeply personal sanctuary, a space for self-discovery and… well, you know… relief,' whispered a source who wished to remain anonymous, citing concerns about their employment should Chad discover their involvement in the 'leak.' 'He's obsessed with the Kardashians, which, admittedly, is the only thing making this entire situation make sense. They're kind of gender-fluid, right?'

Critics are calling the situation a prime example of 'cis-privilege' and 'performative allyship gone horribly wrong.' Others, however, are simply baffled. 'I mean, the man literally built a private gender-neutral utopia,' said one employee, 'while simultaneously making it harder for his employees to pee.' Perhaps the most pressing question remains: is it more offensive to ban gender-neutral bathrooms or to build a ridiculously extravagant one for yourself? We, at the satirical news desk, are currently voting on it – while simultaneously using the office’s single, gendered bathroom that takes 15 minutes to unlock.

This story is developing. Stay tuned for further updates, including details on Chad’s plans for a private gender-reveal party for his new bidet.