In a move that's simultaneously baffled and enraged parents across the nation, Mrs. Crabtree, a third-grade teacher from Topeka, Kansas, has banned the use of traditional gender pronouns in her classroom. The reason? According to her now-viral manifesto posted on a surprisingly well-maintained Tumblr account, 'He' and 'She' are 'oppressive patriarchal constructs that actively marginalize the non-binary sentient toaster in my living room.'

Instead, Mrs. Crabtree has introduced 'zhe,' a pronoun she claims was divinely whispered to her during a particularly potent ayahuasca ceremony in Costa Rica. 'Zhe' is now mandatory, leading to scenes of utter chaos in the classroom. One student, little Timmy, reported that using 'zhe' to refer to the class hamster, Mr. Nibbles, 'felt deeply unnatural, like trying to make a grilled cheese with avocado instead of cheese.'

The backlash has been swift and vicious. Fox News pundit, Tucker Carlson, described the situation as 'an absolute outrage! This is what happens when we let the woke agenda run rampant! Next thing you know, they'll be teaching our children that the earth is flat and that gender is a social construct! And worse…they'll have avocado on their grilled cheese!'

Conservative parents have organized protests outside the school, armed with signs reading, 'Save our pronouns!' and 'My child will not be zhe-ified!' One particularly upset parent, Chad Thundercock (yes, really), even attempted to storm the school armed with a dictionary and a surprisingly effective PowerPoint presentation titled, 'The Definitive Proof that 'Zhe' is a Communist Plot.'

Meanwhile, Mrs. Crabtree remains unfazed, insisting that 'zhe' is the only way to foster a truly inclusive classroom. She has reportedly started a GoFundMe to fund a school-wide gender-neutral bathroom equipped with a full sensory deprivation tank for those overwhelmed by the sheer existential dread of the word 'zhe'. As for the hamster, Mr. Nibbles, he's apparently started identifying as a rock. The mystery deepens.