In a stunning display of what can only be described as peak millennial hypocrisy (or perhaps Gen Z irony, depending on the vintage of his beige cardigan), Pastor Thaddeus Bile, a staunch defender of 'traditional marriage,' has banned same-sex weddings from his church while simultaneously allowing his son, Chad Bile (yes, *that* Chad), to marry his bride, Tiffany, in a rainbow tuxedo that would make even RuPaul blush.
Sources say the shimmering, sequined ensemble, rented from 'Gays R Us' (a fictional, and frankly, brilliant store name), cost more than the average down payment on a small suburban church. 'It's just… vibrant,' stammered a visibly flustered church elder, clutching a rosary as if it were a lifeline in a hurricane of glitter.
Pastor Bile, when confronted with this blatant juxtaposition of homophobia and flamboyant fashion, simply replied, 'Son's happiness is paramount. Besides, Tiffany picked it out. She has… *excellent* taste.' This statement, of course, completely avoids the inherent contradiction of his actions. He's essentially saying that his own son's wedding is an exception, because, hey, *his* son is straight, thus proving that straightness is the only acceptable choice.
The internet, naturally, exploded. #RainbowTuxThaddeus is trending, alongside memes depicting the pastor as a flamboyant peacock hiding amongst a flock of bewildered pigeons (the pigeons, apparently, represent his congregation). One particularly witty Twitter user commented, 'Guess the Holy Spirit's new aesthetic is 'disco inferno meets grandma's living room.'
Meanwhile, LGBTQ+ activists are planning a 'Love Wins' protest outside the church, armed with glitter cannons, rainbow boas, and an overwhelming supply of ironic 'Traditional Marriage' cakes. The event promises to be less of a demonstration and more of a dazzling, fabulous parade, which, ironically, might be precisely the kind of 'celebration' Pastor Bile actually approves of, provided it doesn't involve, y'know, *actual* gay people getting married. The hypocrisy is truly breathtaking. Or maybe just… breathtakingly sparkly.
