In a stunning twist of irony that would make even Oscar Wilde blush, renowned (and previously very straight-laced) biologist Dr. Bartholomew Butterfield has accidentally proven the existence of queer theory through his staunch opposition to it. Dr. Butterfield, whose recent study, "The Hetero-Normative Hive Mind: A Statistical Analogy Using Honeybees (and a Distinct Lack of Drag Queens)," attempted to debunk the very notion of LGBTQ+ identities, inadvertently stumbled upon a groundbreaking revelation: his entire methodology is fundamentally queer.

His research, which involved observing the mating habits of honeybees (apparently honeybees are the ultimate symbol of traditional family values now), was soundly rejected by a panel of reviewers, all of whom pointed out that Dr. Butterfield’s rigid adherence to binary systems completely ignored the vast spectrum of bee-havior (sorry, not sorry). Apparently, some bees display behaviors that challenge the traditionally accepted definition of ‘straight’ bee-ing – a scandal that shook the beekeeping community to its core.

One reviewer, Dr. Anya Petrova, a noted expert in honey-based gender studies (yes, this is a real field now, get with the times, grandpa), noted that Dr. Butterfield’s assumption of a simple, linear progression in bee reproduction “reveals a blatant heteronormative bias so intense, it could be weaponized against sentient garden gnomes." She added, "If you are going to study relationships, Dr. Butterfield, you might want to consider relationships, not just one very narrow slice of them."

The ensuing controversy has led to Dr. Butterfield inadvertently creating the definitive text on queer theory – purely by accident, of course. His attempts to suppress the existence of non-binary bees were so forceful that it became irrefutable proof that non-binary identities exist (and that maybe someone should call the bee union).

Dr. Butterfield is currently seeking legal representation (preferably from a firm that champions LGBTQ+ rights, ironically), and sources say he is considering a career change. He’s considering beekeeping… with a rainbow-colored hive. The irony is thick enough to spread on toast.