In a stunning turn of events that has left the scientific community scratching their heads (and possibly re-examining their funding applications), renowned geneticist Dr. Bartholomew Quibble has announced that the long-sought-after 'gay gene' simply doesn't exist. Dr. Quibble, a man whose groundbreaking work on the mating rituals of Bolivian tree sloths once graced the cover of *Nature*, delivered his bombshell findings at a press conference this morning, meticulously outlining his research involving extensive analysis of navel lint and the mating habits of particularly flamboyant garden gnomes.
"After years of dedicated research," declared Dr. Quibble, adjusting his tweed jacket, "I've concluded that sexual orientation is entirely a matter of choice, much like choosing between pineapple and pepperoni on your pizza. Completely arbitrary, entirely up to you. Though, I personally prefer pepperoni." He paused for dramatic effect, a single bead of sweat trickling down his forehead.
The announcement was quickly overshadowed, however, by the subsequent revelation that Dr. Quibble is, in fact, marrying his long-time partner, Mr. Reginald Fluffington III, in a lavish ceremony this weekend. The wedding is rumoured to feature a seven-tiered cake shaped like a double helix (though the significance remains unclear). Invitations reportedly include a detailed breakdown of the scientific method, which some guests found slightly less appealing than a monogrammed napkin.
Asked about the apparent contradiction between his research and his personal life, Dr. Quibble simply winked and said, "Science is about exploration, darling. And my exploration of Reginald's charm has led to some rather... conclusive results." He then winked again, presumably to further solidify the point. The scientific community remains deeply perplexed, while wedding gift registries are reported to be overflowing with bespoke DNA sequencers and artisanal cheese.
Sources close to Dr. Quibble suggest that the research was entirely funded by a generous grant from the 'Straight-and-Narrow Foundation,' an organization dedicated to promoting 'traditional' values… which coincidentally happens to hold a significant investment portfolio in artisanal cheese. The irony, as always, is lost on no one.
