In a shocking twist that would make even a seasoned reality TV producer blush, Mildred McMillan, a fifth-grade teacher known for her staunch opposition to 'age-inappropriate' literature (specifically anything featuring characters who aren't straight, cisgender, and vaguely beige), has been outed as the author of the surprisingly erotic gay romance novel, *Muscles and Merriment: A Lumberjack Love Story*.

McMillan, who recently led a successful campaign to remove a copy of *The Very Hungry Caterpillar* (allegedly due to its 'subversive' depiction of metamorphosis), vehemently denies any connection to the novel. "That's preposterous!" she shrieked at a press conference, her face a vibrant shade of beet-red. "I find such… *material* utterly distasteful! Why, I wouldn't even touch it with a ten-foot pole… or perhaps a particularly sturdy, well-oiled ten-foot pole. For... research purposes, of course."

However, eagle-eyed librarians noticed a striking resemblance between McMillan's overly detailed descriptions of lumberjack physiques in her passionate anti-LGBTQ+ literature lectures and the racy prose of *Muscles and Merriment*. Furthermore, a signed copy of the novel was found tucked inside a hollowed-out copy of *The Giving Tree* (another supposed victim of McMillan's censorship campaign). The signature was undeniably hers—a flamboyant flourish only a secretly passionate writer could possess.

'Bartholomew Butterscotch,' the novel's credited author, remains at large, but sources suggest he enjoys long walks on the beach, copious amounts of flannel, and a surprisingly extensive collection of artisanal mustaches. The educational board is currently reviewing McMillan’s employment status, while sales of *Muscles and Merriment* have skyrocketed, largely due to the ironic publicity.