In a twist more shocking than a Kylie Jenner lip kit refill, Mildred Higgins, the notorious book-banning librarian of Millwood Middle School (known for her collection of aggressively beige cardigans), has not only written, but is *directing*, a wildly flamboyant, glitter-cannon-laden, gay-themed musical titled, "Coming Out to the Country Club."

Mrs. Higgins, previously infamous for her crusade against "subversive" literature (which, in her words, included anything with more than two colors and a sentence longer than five words), has apparently undergone a profound transformation. Sources say it all started when her prize-winning chihuahua, Mr. Fluffernutter III (a confirmed 'he' according to Mrs. Higgins's surprisingly detailed Instagram account), came out as a proud supporter of polyamorous houseplants.

The musical, naturally, is causing a stir. The plot revolves around a closeted jock named Chad (who, shockingly, sports a meticulously crafted pastel pink manicure) who discovers his love for interpretive dance and artisanal cheese after accidentally stumbling upon a Pride parade (that apparently featured less glitter than the musical itself). It culminates in a powerful finale where Chad declares his love for his equally fabulous boyfriend, Kevin, while simultaneously performing a gravity-defying aerial silk routine.

Conservative parents are, predictably, apoplectic. One irate father, Mr. Henderson (who coincidentally is wearing a "Make Millwood Straight Again" t-shirt printed in a distinctly rainbow-colored font), stated, "It's an outrage! Next they'll be teaching our children how to… how to… *crickets chirp*… wait, is that glitter?"

Meanwhile, Mrs. Higgins, sporting a shimmering rainbow blazer, insists that the play is merely "exploring the multifaceted tapestry of human experience." She’s also accepting pre-orders for limited-edition Chad and Kevin plushies. The pre-order link is conveniently placed in the musical's program. Because obviously.

The play opens next week. Expect sequins, sass, and enough outrage to fuel a small-scale culture war. The irony, of course, is completely unintentional. Or is it?