In a stunning display of what can only be described as 'peak performative allyship,' Bob Smith, CEO of the perpetually beige accounting firm 'Smith & Wesson (Numbers, not guns, sweetie)', has become the unlikely poster boy for the complexities of modern LGBTQ+ inclusivity. Yesterday, Smith infamously vetoed a proposed Pride Month ad campaign, citing concerns that it might 'alienate' the firm's 'core demographic' (presumably people who still think 'gaydar' is a real thing). This morning, however, Smith was spotted at the city's Pride parade, beaming alongside his wife, Brenda (who wore a 'Proud Mom of a Questioning Chad' t-shirt), and their suspiciously well-behaved, gender-fluid twins, Hunter and Willow, who were expertly juggling rainbow-colored bowling pins.
Sources close to Smith claim the decision to ban the ad was a 'calculated risk' to appease the firm's 'more traditional' clients. However, after his kids – Hunter, reportedly a TikTok influencer promoting polyamorous unicorn-themed knitting – gave him the 'woke-splaining' of his life, the CEO seems to have undergone a dramatic change of heart. One eye-witness describes seeing Smith attempting to perform a voguing move to Lizzo's 'About Damn Time,' only to subtly stumble into an elderly couple distributing pamphlets for 'Traditional Family Values'.
This incident has sparked a whirlwind of online commentary. #SmithAndWessonWokeFail is trending, with memes ranging from Smith's surprised Pikachu face to a Photoshopped image of him leading the parade float while simultaneously shredding a copy of the 'Don't Say Gay' bill. Experts are debating whether Smith's actions are a testament to the power of parental influence, a cynical PR stunt, or a desperate attempt to avoid ending up on the 'Cancelled CEOs' list alongside that poor guy who used Comic Sans in his email. Whatever it is, one thing is certain: Bob Smith is now officially the meme-able face of unintended consequences.
The fallout is expected to involve mandatory sensitivity training for Smith, the implementation of a company-wide LGBTQ+ mentorship program, and an all-expenses-paid trip to RuPaul's DragCon. Stay tuned for further developments. We're expecting another unexpected turn in this rollercoaster of woke adventures.
