In a stunning turn of events that has left the sleepy town of Harmony Glade baffled, Mildred McMillan, a third-grade teacher previously known for her staunch opposition to “age-inappropriate” literature (read: anything depicting anything other than perfectly heterosexual farm animals), has undergone a dramatic transformation. After famously banning a picture book about two dads with a dog named Fluffy (allegedly because Fluffy's collar was 'too flamboyant'), McMillan has emerged as the unexpected champion of LGBTQ+ rights within the Harmony Glade school district.
Sources say the change was sudden and dramatic, akin to a caterpillar transforming into a… well, a particularly flamboyant butterfly wearing a rainbow-striped cape. One moment she was leading a protest against 'the insidious influence of rainbow-colored crayons,' the next she was organizing a district-wide Pride parade featuring a marching band playing 'YMCA' on kazoos.
"It was the Fluffy collar," McMillan explained in a breathless interview, wearing a sequined rainbow jumpsuit. "It spoke to me. It was... *liberating*. I realized I'd been suppressing my inner fabulousness for far too long. Now I'm ready to embrace my true self, and that self is deeply involved in planning a school-wide drag show."
The school board is reportedly both confused and terrified. Superintendent Beatrice Butterfield commented, "We initially thought we'd solved our book-banning problem. Turns out, we just traded one problem for an entirely new, glitter-bomb-laden spectacle. I'm starting to think the kazoos were a mistake." Meanwhile, the local PTA is frantically searching for a large supply of glitter glue and enough rainbow-colored streamers to decorate the entire school, seemingly resigned to their fate.
Ms. McMillan is currently working on a new curriculum which includes, but is not limited to: interpretive dance about the Stonewall Riots, a detailed history of gender identity using glitter and felt, and a highly controversial play about a transgender unicorn who discovers the true meaning of self-acceptance while winning a pie-eating contest. Stay tuned for further updates as this story unfolds, and for goodness sake, someone hide the glue guns.
