In a stunning display of capitalist hypocrisy so blatant it could blind a hawk wearing prism glasses, social media influencer Karen Karadashian has launched a vibrant Pride-themed clothing line, mere weeks after publicly decrying what she termed the "rainbow wah-wah" – her charmingly euphemistic term for LGBTQ+ inclusivity.
Karadashian, known for her controversial opinions and even more controversial eyebrow game (think Frida Kahlo meets startled squirrel), initially criticized the "excessive" visibility of Pride month, lamenting the "over-saturation of rainbows" and likening the whole affair to a "particularly flamboyant flock of pigeons." She likened the increasing acceptance of LGBTQ+ rights to the rise of avocado toast – delicious, yes, but ultimately a symbol of societal decay and the ruination of perfectly good toast.
However, in a swift about-face that would make a seasoned politician blush, Karadashian unveiled her "Rainbow Capitalism" collection, a dazzling array of pastel-hued garments emblazoned with slogans such as "Love Wins (and also, buy this t-shirt!)" and "Pride: Because Hetero-Normativity is SO Last Season." The collection also features a limited-edition line of rainbow-striped dog collars, because clearly, even our canine companions need to express their allyship to the queer community.
When questioned about this seemingly contradictory stance, Karadashian responded with her signature blend of aggressive nonchalance and carefully constructed ambiguity. "Honey," she purred, "it's not about the message, it's about the message that sells the most merch. Besides," she added with a wink, "those rainbows are *very* on-trend this season. It's all about strategic appropriation darling. Don't you know anything about woke-washing?"
Experts predict the collection will be a roaring success, proving once again that the only thing more profitable than homophobia itself is pretending to support LGBTQ+ rights while profiting immensely from it. The collection is available exclusively on Karadashian’s website, where shipping costs are surprisingly higher than the cost of the actual clothing. Because, you know, inflation and stuff. Also, Karen's got bills to pay. Very large bills. That mostly fund her ethically-sourced, rainbow-colored diamond-encrusted dog bed. For her dog, obviously. It's for the dog.
