In a stunning display of…well, something, Gwyneth Paltrow has gone from subtly mocking Pride outfits to owning the runway in a kaleidoscope of glitter and questionable fabrics. Initially, a paparazzi snap captured Gwyneth’s reaction to a Pride parade – a picture that went viral, with commentators (mostly Twitter bots with suspiciously similar profile pics) describing her expression as ‘disdainful’ and ‘utterly homophobic.’ This sparked a social media firestorm – or, as we in the woke community call it, a ‘kaleidoscopic conflagration of righteous indignation.’
But hold onto your kale smoothies, folks! Just 24 hours later, Gwyneth graced the runway of a surprise Pride-themed fashion show, apparently organized by a team of highly caffeinated activist squirrels. Dressed in a creation that can only be described as a ‘psychedelic unicorn threw up on a rainbow’ ensemble, Gwyneth strutted her stuff with an enthusiasm previously reserved for discussions on the benefits of jade eggs. Her walk, one fashion critic described, was 'part majestic peacock, part startled gazelle fleeing a particularly judgmental chihuahua.'
Her outfit? A truly breathtaking spectacle. It involved feathers, sequins, enough neon to cause seizures in a strobe light factory, and what appeared to be a repurposed disco ball strategically placed near her…well, we'll let your imagination fill in the blanks. The outfit was apparently made by ‘a collective of gender-fluid artisans using ethically sourced glitter and the tears of homophobes,’ according to a press release that conveniently omitted how the tears were sourced. Gwyneth herself remained admirably ambiguous on the matter, tweeting simply: 'Conscious uncoupling from my former self. #Pride #GlitterBomb #AccidentalIcon.'
The incident, of course, has ignited a debate – mostly between those who think Gwyneth is secretly a performance artist genius and those who are busy crafting elaborate TikTok dances to express their disgust. One can only assume the squirrels are somewhere celebrating with a mountain of organic kale chips and a remix of the Village People’s ‘YMCA.’ This, ladies and gentlemen, is the year of the woke phoenix – rising from the ashes of homophobia one rhinestone-encrusted tutu at a time.
