In a bombshell interview that's sent shockwaves through the galaxy (and, you know, Burbank), daytime talk show legend Ellen DeGeneres has revealed the *real* reason behind her bisexuality: aliens. Yes, you read that right. Not some traumatic childhood experience, not a liberating phase in college, but extraterrestrials with an agenda that involves promoting fluid gender identities and the normalization of six-way relationships involving a Klingon, a sentient cactus, and a particularly sassy chihuahua.
"It all started with the probes," DeGeneres revealed during a tearful segment on her show, which was briefly interrupted by a rogue transmission featuring what appeared to be a CGI rendition of David Bowie performing ‘Space Oddity’ in a sequined jumpsuit. "Not the kind you're thinking, perverts, although... they were pretty advanced. Anyway, they implanted these tiny, iridescent chips – think less 'Men in Black,' more 'RuPaul's Drag Race' meets 'The Twilight Zone' – and *bam*, instant pansexual. I couldn’t even pronounce pansexual before that. I’m pretty sure they auto-corrected my pronouns too."
The revelation has sparked intense debate. Conservative pundits have claimed it's a 'liberal hoax' designed to 'indoctrinate our children' (with the undeniable charisma of Bowie, naturally) while others have demanded to know if the aliens had a Netflix subscription, which might explain why Ellen's so obsessed with giving away cars.
Meanwhile, the LGBTQ+ community is largely divided. While some celebrate this 'cosmic coming out' as a sign of alien acceptance, others are concerned about the extraterrestrial invasion’s apparent bias towards polyamorous relationships involving sentient houseplants. “It's great that they're promoting inclusivity,” said one activist, “But can't they at least give us a warning before they introduce us to the concept of emotional intimacy with a sentient stapler?”
DeGeneres ended the interview by urging viewers to embrace their inner alien and be open to the possibility of love in all its weird, wonderful, and possibly extraterrestrial forms. She then seamlessly transitioned into a commercial for a new line of organic, ethically sourced, alien-approved kale chips, further proving that some things in life are truly out of this world. The chips, we hear, are rather good.
