In a move that has left the nation simultaneously baffled and mildly aroused (in the good way, of course), Senator Bartholomew Snugglesworth, known for his previously staunchly anti-glitter stance, has declared Pride Month officially canceled. In its place? A mandatory national celebration of gay marriage, apparently.
Sources say the shift in Snugglesworth’s ideology was prompted by a rogue glitter bomb explosion during a meeting on the new 'Don't Say Gay' bill (ironically, the bomb was shaped like a giant rainbow unicorn wearing a tiny top hat). Following a brief existential crisis induced by the iridescent shrapnel, Snugglesworth reportedly emerged proclaiming, 'The only way to combat this excessive joy is to harness it! Gay marriage for all! And mandatory ballroom dance lessons!'.
The ensuing chaos has been described by experts as 'utter pandemonium, but in a very fashionable and fabulous way.' While some conservatives are reportedly freaking out – one man in Ohio was seen sobbing into a photograph of a very stern-looking Ronald Reagan – many others are taking it in stride. “Honestly, free wedding cake? Sign me up,” commented Brenda from Iowa, who apparently thinks Snugglesworth's announcement is 'a total win-win, especially if they use that delicious almond-flavored frosting.'
Snugglesworth’s spokesperson, Chad Chadwell (who, incidentally, just came out as a non-binary, gender-fluid, pansexual, polyamorous, crypto-enthusiast), confirmed the Senator's new-found enthusiasm is unrelated to the glitter bomb incident. He said the senator had simply experienced a 'divine intervention' involving a singing troupe of drag queens and a very persuasive unicorn. The spokesperson declined to provide further details, but did mention that 'the unicorn's name was Sparklehoof, and he had impeccable taste in sequined outfits'.
Experts suggest this could herald a new era in American politics; one where senators are not only forced to reconsider their political stances, but also forced to participate in mandatory, glitter-filled ballroom dance-offs. But hey, at least it's more interesting than that old 'bipartisan cooperation' nonsense.
