In a move that has left the internet simultaneously baffled and questioning the very fabric of reality, controversial tech CEO, Chad Thundercock, announced yesterday a company-wide ban on LGBTQ+ employees, followed immediately by a $1 million donation to the Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation (GLAAD).

Thundercock, whose previous business ventures include a line of 'straight-washed' artisanal pickles and a failed attempt to trademark the word 'rainbow' (he claimed it was 'too gay'), explained his actions in a rambling press conference streamed live on Rumble. 'Look,' he sputtered, adjusting his aggressively patterned tie, 'I'm not homophobic, I just... prefer a more... *monochrome* workforce. It's about *efficiency*. Think of it as... optimized inclusivity. Like, ultra-inclusive exclusion. Get it?'

His subsequent donation to GLAAD, he insisted, was merely a 'strategic philanthropic maneuver.' 'It's all about optics, baby!' he declared, flexing a bicep suspiciously devoid of any rainbow-colored tattoos. 'I'm buying myself some good PR. Plus, that tax write-off is GORGEOUS.'

GLAAD responded with a statement that was, perhaps predictably, somewhat less enthusiastic. 'We received the donation. It will be used to fund programs supporting LGBTQ+ individuals. We are deeply concerned by Mr. Thundercock's employment practices, however, and urge him to reconsider his... *unique* approach to diversity and inclusion.' They added, in a parenthetical aside, 'We're also pretty sure he's wearing a 'Free Britney' shirt. Make it make sense.'

Meanwhile, social media exploded. #ChadThundercock is trending worldwide, with reactions ranging from furious outrage to bewildered amusement. One user commented: 'This is peak late-stage capitalism, folks. Exploiting queer issues for profit, then donating enough money to make it seem like you're not a total monster. Genius! (Or maybe just insane.)'

The legal battle expected to follow promises to be as chaotic and contradictory as Mr. Thundercock's business ethics. Stay tuned for further updates, as this bizarre saga of corporate wokeness continues to unfold. Will Justice prevail? Will anyone ever understand Chad's pickle empire? The world may never know.