In a move that has sent shockwaves through the already-fragile ecosystem of corporate wokeness, Chad Thundercock, CEO of 'Bro-Tech Solutions' (makers of the wildly popular 'Man-Cave-in-a-Box' subscription service), has banned gender-neutral bathrooms from his company's headquarters, citing concerns about 'personal space' and 'the sanctity of the urinal.' Simultaneously, sources reveal that Thundercock has commissioned a lavish, bespoke gender-neutral bathroom in his sprawling $12 million McMansion, complete with a Swarovski crystal-encrusted bidet, a gender-fluid aromatherapy diffuser, and a portrait of RuPaul in a surprisingly accurate depiction of Thundercock himself.
Sources inside Bro-Tech (who wish to remain anonymous because they fear being forced to attend mandatory 'Inclusivity Sensitivity' training sessions involving interpretive dance) say that the move is a calculated attempt by Thundercock to appear both traditionally masculine and utterly fabulous at the same time. "He's trying to have his cake and eat it too," whispered one employee, who also noted that Thundercock's new bathroom features a heated toilet seat, something he denies his employees.
The situation has ignited a firestorm of debate amongst social justice warriors, with many calling for a boycott of Bro-Tech, while others are calling for a boycott of Thundercock’s new bathroom (specifically, the heated toilet seat, which they feel is 'objectively luxurious'). One activist, identified only as 'Willow Whisperingwinds,' stated, "This is a microcosm of the systemic transphobia inherent in late-stage capitalism. Chad is clearly trying to privatize privilege, literally walling off the benefits of gender inclusivity for his own personal gain."
Meanwhile, Thundercock remains defiant, claiming his actions are entirely consistent with his deep-seated commitment to "personal choice and freedom of expression." He released a statement featuring him holding a tiny American flag and a Pride flag, simultaneously, in a stance that has been described by experts as 'both politically sound and deeply unsettling.' The statement concluded with him announcing a new line of 'patriarchal-chic' bathroom accessories, which will be exclusively available to Bro-Tech executives. The company has also announced a new corporate retreat to a secluded island in the Bahamas, which will apparently feature 'optional' gender-neutral bathing suits. One can only hope they're sufficiently absorbent.
