In a stunning turn of events that's got the internet buzzing louder than a RuPaul viewing party, Republican congressman Bartholomew 'Bart' Bigglesworth, known for his fiery anti-drag rhetoric – calling it 'a threat to traditional values' and 'an affront to God' (apparently forgetting that God is rumored to love a good pageant) – has hired local drag superstar, 'Crystal Methyd II: The Sequined Revenge', as his personal assistant.
Bigglesworth, whose recent campaign speech likened drag queens to ‘gender-bending demonic entities,’ is now apparently a huge fan of Crystal’s organizational skills. Sources say he's particularly impressed by her ability to 'work a room,' a talent he desperately needs given his less-than-stellar performance at town hall meetings.
"It’s a total paradigm shift," gushed Crystal in an exclusive interview with 'Gay Times' magazine, while simultaneously flawlessly applying glitter eyeliner. "At first, I thought he'd be a total nightmare. I imagined a scene right out of 'Will & Grace', season 4 – full of pearl-clutching and 'bless your hearts'. But he's actually quite… pliable. Like a really expensive, slightly homophobic, leather handbag."
Political analysts are baffled, suggesting this could be a strategic move, possibly a cunning ploy to attract the LGBTQ+ vote. Others, however, believe Bigglesworth simply experienced an accidental dose of empathy, possibly triggered by a rogue glitter bomb that went off during one of his less-than-successful anti-LGBTQ protests.
One thing is certain: Bigglesworth's sudden about-face has left the conservative right wing in a state of utter disarray. 'It’s like watching a conservative grandma accidentally discover the joys of RuPaul’s Drag Race,' one bewildered Republican strategist commented. 'First they’re throwing shade, then they’re sewing sequins. It's… unsettling.'
The moral of this story? Even the most staunch homophobes can eventually be won over by a little drag, a lot of charisma, and potentially a strategically placed glitter bomb. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got a meeting with a particularly stubborn Republican senator who needs a serious makeover. And some fabulous footwear.
