Hollywood heartthrob Brad Pitt, in a move that has sent shockwaves through the heteronormative community (and possibly triggered a few aneurysms), has adopted a puppy with a coat boasting all the colors of the pride flag. The fluffy canine, christened ‘Glitterbomb’ by Pitt himself, reportedly cost a cool $50,000 and comes with its own personal rainbow-themed grooming team.
Naturally, the internet exploded. Conspiracy theories are swirling faster than a Kylie Jenner lip kit restock. Some believe the rainbow pup is a carefully orchestrated PR stunt to distract from Pitt’s alleged ‘secret underground gay speakeasy’ in the Hollywood Hills (rumored to serve only organic kale smoothies and artisanal kombucha). Others, clinging desperately to the notion of a rigidly gendered world, are convinced the puppy’s vibrant colors are ‘an affront to nature’ and a direct attack on the sanctity of mayonnaise.
Pitt, ever the enigma, vehemently denied the gay rumors in a press conference held atop a rainbow-colored float during the Gay Pride parade. Dressed in a shimmering, sequined jumpsuit (which some critics called ‘an egregious display of fabulousness’), he declared, "I love my dog! He's the best boy! And anyone who thinks owning a rainbow dog means I'm gay clearly doesn't understand the profound symbolic power of canine-based LGBTQ+ affirmation." He then proceeded to toss glitter cannons into the crowd while singing a surprisingly decent rendition of 'Dancing Queen'.
Meanwhile, the conservative media is in a tizzy. Tucker Carlson was reportedly seen in tears, muttering something about "the liberal agenda" and the imminent demise of the patriarchy (also, possibly, needing to borrow a few bucks from Sean Hannity). The situation highlights the ever-growing tensions between traditional values and the radical embrace of… puppies with really nice coats. Stay tuned for further updates as this story continues to unravel faster than a pair of cheap, ill-fitting rainbow socks. And please remember, children: always embrace the fabulousness. Even if it comes in the form of a $50,000 rainbow puppy.
