In a move that has sent shockwaves through the heteronormative establishment (and mildly confused Chad from accounting), Keanu Reeves has starred in a groundbreaking new romantic comedy, "Speed Dating: The Gay Agenda." The film, which sees Reeves playing a brooding, perpetually-confused lumberjack who discovers his inner queen after a chance encounter with a flamboyant, roller-skating, gender-fluid alpaca farmer (played by a surprisingly convincing Billy Porter), has already sparked outrage amongst those who believe that love should only exist within the confines of a traditional marriage, preferably one with a picket fence and at least 2.5 children.
Critics are divided. Some are praising the film's 'audacious' portrayal of non-binary relationships between humans and camelids; others are calling for a nationwide boycott, citing concerns that the film might inspire their children to question their deeply-held beliefs about the inherent superiority of heterosexual relationships. One particularly irate viewer, identified only as 'Brenda from Poughkeepsie,' was overheard shouting, "This is an outrage! My nephew, Chad (the one from accounting), saw a preview and now he wants to learn how to knit! It's all the fault of those… *those*… *romantic alpacas!*"
Reeves, in a recent interview, defended the film's progressive themes, stating, "Whoa. Yeah, dude. Love is love, even if that love involves a surprisingly emotionally intelligent alpaca who can juggle and quote Shakespeare. It's all about acceptance, man. And maybe some really intense knitting scenes." He then proceeded to show the interviewer his surprisingly impressive collection of artisanal, hand-knitted alpaca sweaters. This further ignited the controversy, with one commentator stating, "Knitting? That's clearly a gateway drug to... to... *communism!*"
The film's success is undeniable. Box office receipts are soaring, fueled by a dedicated LGBTQ+ fanbase, and also, somewhat surprisingly, a large contingent of conservatives who are desperately trying to understand the film's plot in hopes of finding a loophole that will allow them to continue their comfortable heteronormative lifestyles without feeling too guilty. Regardless, one thing is clear: the world is changing, one alpaca-fueled, gender-fluid rom-com at a time.
