In a stunning display of… something, Olympic weightlifter Chad Thundercock (yes, really) has sparked outrage – and a surprisingly robust Etsy shop – after publicly criticizing the Games’ rainbow-themed uniforms. Thundercock, known for his previous endorsements of brands like ‘Beef It Up’ and ‘Bro-tein,’ called the vibrant apparel ‘too flamboyant for a real man’ in a now-viral TikTok featuring him aggressively bench-pressing a small pony.

However, rather than quietly sulking in his man-cave (which, sources say, is alarmingly similar to a suburban family’s basement rec room), Thundercock doubled down. He has unveiled his own ‘Straight Pride’ competition jumpsuit. The design? A shimmering, sequined, and frankly dazzling one-piece in what he describes as ‘patriotic beige.’ The only deviation from the overall beige-ness? A subtly embroidered American flag, positioned, inexplicably, directly above a strategically placed pocket seemingly designed for a flask.

"It’s all about celebrating traditional values," Thundercock explained in a press conference held at a steakhouse, adding, "And also, this jumpsuit is *amazing*. I feel like a million bucks, or, you know, like a less sparkly, less inclusive million bucks." The press conference was interrupted briefly when a reporter jokingly asked if he'd considered adding a subtle rainbow stripe... the resulting glare could melt steel.

Critics are, understandably, confused. Is this a genuine affront to LGBTQ+ inclusivity or a masterpiece of absurdist performance art? Social media is ablaze with opinions ranging from ‘This man needs help’ to ‘I’d totally buy that jumpsuit if it came in millennial pink.’ One particularly insightful comment read, "The level of irony is so high, it’s practically orbiting Mars. And I’m starting to think that's where Chad Thundercock should be."

Meanwhile, sales of Thundercock's ‘Straight Pride’ jumpsuit are reportedly skyrocketing. Apparently, there’s a surprising market for beige, sparkly, slightly homophobic fashion statements. Who knew?