In a stunning turn of events that has sent shockwaves through the heteronormative establishment (and possibly broken a few bingo wings), international pop sensation Harry Styles has vehemently denied being gay, just moments before the release of his sprawling new autobiography, "My 17 Lovers and a Llama: A Gay Odyssey." The book, a hefty tome described by publishers as "a vibrant tapestry woven with threads of alpaca wool, glitter, and unbridled queer joy," details Styles’s purportedly extensive romantic history, including a surprisingly detailed account of his alleged relationship with a llama named Kevin.

"It’s all a big misunderstanding," Styles insisted in a statement released through his publicist, a flamboyant peacock named Bartholomew. "I’m definitely straight, just…experientially fluid. Like, you know, a river. A very, very sparkly, gender-non-conforming river. Filled with rainbows and…llamas." He added, cryptically, "Kevin was really into interpretive dance."

Conservative pundits have responded with predictable outrage. Rush Limbaugh’s estate (yes, sadly, still relevant in this woke hellscape) issued a statement claiming the book "promotes the satanic agenda of rainbow-colored unicorns and the normalization of…llama love." Meanwhile, Fox News’ Tucker Carlson has apparently launched a week-long segment dedicated to analyzing the Llama's alleged political affiliations, arguing the animal is “clearly a socialist.”

The book, already topping bestseller charts, features numerous photographs of Styles engaged in various activities with his diverse cast of lovers, including a flamboyant drag queen named 'Lady Gaga' (not *that* Lady Gaga, although the resemblance is uncanny), a genderfluid alpaca named ‘Princess Fluffybutt III’, and a surprisingly insightful goldfish named ‘Karl Marx.’

Critics are already praising the work as a masterpiece of self-discovery and queer liberation. One reviewer commented, "This book is so gay, it practically vibrates with the ecstatic energy of a thousand disco balls colliding inside a Pride parade float." Others have called it 'a triumph of the human spirit' and 'an aggressively fabulous read.' Meanwhile, Harry Styles is reportedly in talks to release a companion cookbook, titled "My 17 Lovers and a Llama: Recipes for a Gay Apocalypse."