In a move that has left LGBTQ+ activists simultaneously bewildered and mildly amused, Senator Barnaby Butterfield (R-Mississippi) has announced the immediate cancellation of Pride Month. Butterfield, citing concerns about 'excessive rainbow saturation' and 'the potential for spontaneous outbreaks of joy,' declared June 'Strategic Heterosexual Union Month' instead.

"Pride Month is simply too flamboyant," Butterfield stated in a press conference held in front of a suspiciously pristine, entirely heterosexual-looking hay bale. "It's distracting from the truly important issues, like the alarming number of left-handed people in our country and the undeniable threat of gluten. Therefore, we will be focusing on strengthening the traditional family unit – one strategically planned, heterosexual union at a time."

Butterfield's proposal for 'Strategic Heterosexual Unions' includes a new government-sponsored matchmaking program, using algorithms designed by a team of 'experts' who have never met a gay person. The program promises to pair eligible heterosexuals based on factors like 'shared dislike of glitter' and 'ability to assemble flat-pack furniture without excessive swearing.' Successful unions will be rewarded with tax breaks and complimentary coupons for family-sized tubs of mayonnaise.

When pressed on the potential legal implications of canceling Pride Month, Butterfield simply shrugged and added, "Well, I haven't actually looked into the legality of that, but I have a strong feeling it's not against the Constitution because the Constitution is heterosexual."

LGBTQ+ advocates responded with a mixture of outrage, confusion, and an overwhelming urge to collectively roll their eyes so hard they might get a concussion. One activist commented, "I'm not sure what's more offensive, the cancellation of Pride or the suggestion that mayonnaise is a viable reward for marriage. Seriously, is this 1955 or 2024? And what's the deal with flat-pack furniture? This is beyond satire."