In a twist more shocking than a Kylie Jenner pregnancy announcement, controversial influencer Chad Thundercock, known for his homophobic rants and comparing Pride parades to "a plague of rainbow-colored locusts," has launched "Gay-laxy," a line of glitter-based cosmetics boasting an aggressively inclusive message. The brand's tagline: "So gay, it's practically heterosexual."

Chad, who once publicly wished for the return of the Stonewall Riots (but "without all the… you know… *progress*,") now claims a sudden and inexplicable epiphany, sparked by a dream involving RuPaul and a unicorn riding a unicycle. "I had a vision," he blathered in a press release that smelled suspiciously of patchouli and regret, "a vision of rainbows and glitter and…acceptance? I think? It was pretty sparkly."

Gay-laxy's products include the "This Is My Coming Out Lipstick" (in shades of "Subtle Tease" and "Screaming Queen"), the "Gender-Fluid Foundation" (offering 72 shades, including several shades of "confused"), and the "It Gets Better Mascara" (guaranteed to make you cry happy tears...or maybe just regular tears because it’s a bit clumpy).

Naturally, Chad's sudden 180 has sparked outrage among his former fan base, largely composed of individuals who believe mayonnaise should be a food group and that ‘woke’ is a four-letter word (and not in the fun way). One disgruntled follower tweeted: "He's so fake! I bet his 'conversion' was as genuine as his hair plugs." Others have called for boycotts, with plans to organize a counter-protest involving the burning of glitter (ecologically unsound, but symbolically satisfying, they argue).

Adding another layer to this already bizarre saga, Chad's website mysteriously features a small, inconspicuous line at the bottom reading: "A portion of profits will be donated to… uh… research into the potential health benefits of consuming large quantities of kale. Yes, kale." The internet, of course, is ablaze with speculation.