In a shocking twist that’s less ‘divine intervention’ and more ‘existential crisis cleverly disguised as community outreach,’ Pastor Mike Rivers, renowned for his fiery sermons denouncing the ‘rainbow menace’ (his words, not ours – though we *do* have a snazzy new t-shirt design featuring that phrase), has launched a wildly popular LGBTQ+ support group.
Dubbed ‘Repent & Rainbow,’ the group has become the hottest ticket in town, attracting a diverse crowd of glitter-clad queers, bewildered allies, and the occasional confused Baptist grandma. Pastor Mike, surprisingly, is thriving in his new role as spiritual advisor to the fabulous. He’s even traded his somber black robes for a flamboyant sequined vest (allegedly a gift from a very generous ‘sister’ in the group).
‘It’s all about finding God’s love in unexpected places,’ Pastor Mike explains, while adjusting a feather boa draped around his neck. ‘And let me tell you, there’s more love in this group than in a Kardashian family reunion!’ He then pauses for dramatic effect, before adding, ‘Although, I’m sure Kris Jenner would appreciate the sheer volume of fabulousness.’
The group’s activities are as eclectic as its members. Recent sessions have included interpretive dance to Lady Gaga, a drag queen-led bible study (with extra emphasis on the Book of Ruth – ‘a real power couple, am I right?’ Pastor Mike quips), and a spirited debate on the theological implications of gender-affirming surgery (spoiler alert: God loves a good transformation).
Naturally, the internet has exploded. Some have hailed Pastor Mike as a beacon of acceptance, while others… well, let’s just say their comments sections are less ‘loving embrace’ and more ‘fire and brimstone.’ One particularly articulate commenter wrote, ‘This is an outrage! He’s watering down the word of God with glitter and… *gasp*… *acceptance*!’ Another, using several exclamation points and all caps, declared, ‘THEY’RE BRAINWASHING OUR CHILDREN WITH PRIDE! AND SEQUINED VESTS!!!’
But Pastor Mike remains unfazed. ‘Honey,’ he says, swirling his rainbow-colored iced tea, ‘if you can’t handle a little sparkle in your salvation, maybe you need a bigger dose of grace.’ And with that, he sashayed off to lead a group singalong of ‘Amazing Grace’… in key, naturally.
