In a shocking twist worthy of a Netflix limited series (probably starring a diverse cast and a non-binary villain), Mildred McMillan, a staunch opponent of LGBTQ+ literature in schools, has been revealed as the anonymous author of "Analysing Aristotle: A Sapphic Saga," a bodice-ripper of a gay romance novel that's currently topping the charts on Amazon. McMillan, who famously led the charge to ban "The Gay Giraffe's Guide to Gender Identity" from the local elementary school library, citing concerns about ‘precocious exposure to… uh… giraffes’, has remained tight-lipped about her literary alter ego, ‘Penelope Pepperbottom.’
Sources close to McMillan (who, ironically, all happen to be members of the local LGBTQ+ book club she vehemently opposes) claim the novel features graphic descriptions of… well, let's just say Aristotle never wrote anything *quite* this passionate. One reviewer described the novel as 'a whirlwind of Sapphic yearning, intellectual sparring, and surprisingly detailed depictions of ancient Greek athletic competitions.' Another simply stated: 'It’s giving… *very* hot.'
McMillan’s sudden literary success has sparked a flurry of both outrage and (dare we say it?) admiration. Conservative groups are accusing her of a 'massive betrayal of the values she publicly espouses,' while the LGBTQ+ community is abuzz with theories about her hidden motivations—ranging from a shockingly effective undercover operation to a case of severe internalized homophobia manifesting as extreme, albeit successful, creative writing.
Meanwhile, the school board is reportedly considering a new policy: mandatory reading of "Analysing Aristotle" for all students over the age of 12. Superintendent Chad Chadmington explained the decision by stating, "If we can't beat 'em, we're gonna make 'em... read it? Yeah, read it. It's... educational. Very educational. About... Aristotle. Yes." The parents' association, however, remains steadfast in their demand to ban *all* books, claiming they are 'filled with subversive ideologies' that threaten to educate children. The debate continues, fueled by a healthy dose of irony and the surprising popularity of a gay romance novel penned by someone who vehemently opposes gay anything.
Ironically, McMillan’s book is currently being used as an example of ‘the harm of censorship’ in multiple university literature classes, creating a beautifully ironic paradox that’s truly a masterpiece of unintended consequences. The irony, my dears, is *delicious*.
