In a move that has left the internet simultaneously baffled and ablaze with memes featuring a surprisingly buff Elon Musk cosplaying as a centaur, Milton “Milty” McMuffin, CEO of the aggressively beige accounting firm ‘Numbers & Such,’ has announced a company-wide ban on hiring LGBTQ+ individuals. Simultaneously, he promoted Chad Thundercock, a flamboyant accountant known for his penchant for sequined bow ties and interpretive dance routines during budget meetings, to Head of Inclusivity and Sensitivity Training.

"It's a bold strategy," McMuffin explained in a press release featuring a stock photo of a smiling businessman shaking hands with a suspiciously pixelated individual, "a real 'bait and switch,' if you will. We're eliminating the *threat* of diversity while simultaneously showcasing our commitment to… uh… diverse perspectives! It's all about the optics, darling! Think of it as performance art, but with spreadsheets."

Chad, naturally, was ecstatic. "Finally, my years of subtly subverting the heteronormative structure of quarterly reports have paid off!" he gushed, before adding with a wink, "My next project? Mandating glitter-bombing all the company printers. Because inclusion is sparkly, okay?"

Critics, however, are calling the situation a 'masterclass in performative allyship' and a 'gloriously absurd display of capitalist irony.' One particularly vocal commentator, who identifies only as ‘@WokeAF_QueenBee69’ on X (formerly Twitter), stated, "This is peak late-stage capitalism. They’re weaponizing queerness as a marketing ploy, y'all. It’s… aesthetically pleasing, I guess. But, I’m still filing a lawsuit."

Meanwhile, several employees are reportedly forming a union dedicated solely to the procurement of ethically sourced glitter. The future of Numbers & Such, as well as the very fabric of reality, remains delightfully uncertain. Stay tuned for further updates – preferably with more glitter.