Hollywood is ablaze! Not from another wildfire, thankfully, but from the seismic event that is Brad Pitt’s alleged denial of his homosexuality, a denial delivered with the ironic backdrop of him holding hands with – gasp! – a man. Yes, folks, the man who once famously sculpted a clay pot of his own face (true story, look it up) is now embroiled in a scandal that transcends the superficial.
Sources say the ‘hand-holding incident’ took place outside a trendy vegan butcher shop (yes, that’s a thing now), and was immediately captured by a paparazzi drone wielding a rainbow-colored filter. The resulting images have sparked a three-day national debate on the fluidity of sexuality, the performance of masculinity, and whether or not Brad's left shoe has been abducted by aliens. This last theory has garnered significant traction on TikTok, mostly due to the sheer absurdity of it all.
“It was a completely platonic gesture,” Pitt stated in a press release issued from his bioluminescent, sustainable yurt. “We were merely discussing the merits of ethically sourced soy chorizo. My hand was simply there for support…emotional support, mind you.” He then added, mysteriously, “And where’s my left shoe?”
Meanwhile, the mystery man, identified as Chad Thundercock (yes, seriously), has remained mum. Sources whisper that he’s currently in negotiations with Netflix for a reality show titled ‘Chad’s Chaotic Closet,’ focusing on his journey of self-discovery and his struggle with selecting the perfect shade of lavender for his organic cotton socks.
Conservative pundits are, predictably, losing their minds, while the LGBTQ+ community is divided. Some applaud Brad for inadvertently showcasing the spectrum of human connection, while others are calling for a boycott of his next movie, “Fight Club 2: The Gay Agenda.” I, for one, am focusing on finding Brad’s missing shoe. Perhaps it holds the key to unlocking the mysteries of the universe…or at least, the location of a decent vegan hot dog.
Stay tuned for updates, and please, if you find a size 11, left, slightly scuffed leather shoe, contact authorities immediately. You never know where that shoe has been.
