In a bombshell interview that’s sent shockwaves through the galaxy (and daytime television), Oprah Winfrey revealed a truly otherworldly secret: aliens made her bisexual. Appearing on her own show – now rebranded as ‘Oprah’s Interdimensional Oprah-tunities’ – the media mogul recounted her close encounter of the third kind, claiming that a shimmering, iridescent being from the planet Xylos imparted upon her the ‘gift’ of pansexual fluidity.

"They… they showed me the light," Oprah stammered, dabbing a single, perfectly placed tear with a sequined handkerchief. "The *rainbow* light. And then... well, let's just say, suddenly, the 'Queer Eye' Fab Five seemed less like a design team and more like a cosmic roadmap." Footage then played of Oprah enthusiastically learning to vogue from a group of extraterrestrial drag queens in what could only be described as a dazzling, intergalactic vogue ball.

The revelation has predictably divided the internet. While many celebrated Oprah's courageous coming out (some even claiming it proves the existence of both aliens *and* the fluidity of sexuality), others took a less enlightened stance, with one particularly vocal commenter on Breitbart’s alien-conspiracy subreddit claiming the entire thing is a ‘deep-state, woke agenda to turn our precious children into… into *pansexuals*!’

Meanwhile, the White House has remained unusually silent, leading many to speculate that they’re desperately trying to contact the Xylosian ambassador to negotiate a trade deal for advanced, gender-neutral pronouns. And Elon Musk? Well, he's just tweeted ‘To the moon! (and beyond the binary!)’ accompanied by a picture of a rocket shaped suspiciously like a Pride flag. It seems the cosmos, like Oprah’s living room, is now firmly in the LGBTQ+ lane. Buckle up, buttercups, it's going to be a wild ride.