In a shocking turn of events that has the internet ablaze (and not just from the sheer volume of angry comments), Olympic sprinter Chad Thundercock – known for his surprisingly heteronormative physique – has rejected an endorsement deal with Pride sportswear, instead launching his own fitness line: 'Gay-Gainz'. The line features rainbow-colored protein shakes (naturally), leggings with inspirational quotes from RuPaul's Drag Race, and workout videos featuring Chad attempting – and failing hilariously – to master the vogue.

Chad, in a press release dripping with more irony than a Kylie Jenner makeup tutorial, explained his decision: "I felt the Pride branding was…too corporate. Too *mainstream*. My vision is bigger, bolder, more…glittery? I want to create a truly inclusive space where everyone, regardless of their sexual orientation, can achieve peak physical perfection. Unless, of course, you're a hater. Then, you're on your own, buddy."

Critics have labeled the move a cynical attempt at 'queer-baiting' – a term that Chad, predictably, embraced with enthusiastic enthusiasm, immediately commissioning a limited-edition 'Queer-Baiting Champion' tank top. The backlash, of course, is tremendous. One particularly enraged commentator, whose online handle is suspiciously similar to "KarenFromOhio1962," stated, "This is an outrage! It’s… woke! And…gay! I’m calling my congressman! And also, my lawyer."

Meanwhile, sales of Gay-Gainz protein shakes are skyrocketing. Apparently, outrage is the ultimate marketing tool. Who knew? Perhaps this whole thing is just Chad's master plan to finally achieve true world domination, one perfectly sculpted gay bicep at a time. Stay tuned for more updates as we delve deeper into this surprisingly homoerotic saga.