In a shocking twist that's less 'science' and more 'science fiction gone fabulously queer,' renowned geneticist Professor Quentin Quibble, a man whose name alone screams 'heteronormative panic,' has been exposed for secretly researching… wait for it… LGBTQ+ genetic markers. Professor Quibble, known for his staunch public pronouncements that 'gender is a social construct… that's inconvenient for my research grant applications,' has apparently been secretly breeding rainbow-colored unicorns in his basement lab (we're assuming ethically sourced glitter is involved).
Sources within the (allegedly) heterosexual scientific community whisper that Quibble's clandestine project, codenamed 'Operation SparklePony,' involves cross-breeding alpaca DNA with the genetic material of self-identifying glitter-bombs and the unwavering optimism of a drag queen who can withstand a hurricane in six-inch heels. While officially dismissing the existence of 'gay genes' as 'a ridiculous notion peddled by woke snowflakes,' leaked documents suggest Quibble has been secretly cataloging a range of previously 'undiscovered' genetic expressions, including but not limited to:
* **The 'RuPaul's Drag Race' Gene:** Imparts an innate ability to sashay away from any form of homophobia with breathtaking grace.
* **The 'Harry Styles' Gene:** Causes individuals to possess an irresistible charm that renders bigotry utterly impotent.
* **The 'Queer Eye' Gene:** Enables the spontaneous transformation of homophobes into fabulous, well-dressed allies.
"He's been muttering about 'chromosomal rainbows' and 'the divine power of fabulousness' for months!" confided a lab assistant, speaking on the condition of anonymity for fear of being subjected to an impromptu makeover by the Professor's newfound unicorn army.
Professor Quibble, when contacted for comment, simply sighed dramatically, adjusted his perfectly-knotted tie, and retorted, "Darling, if you only knew the transformative power of a perfectly-applied winged eyeliner… Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a unicorn to groom for the upcoming Pride parade."
This story is developing faster than a TikTok trend and contains more glitter than a Kylie Jenner makeup launch. We will continue to update as soon as we figure out how to decipher the unicorn's tweets. Meanwhile, stay tuned for more breaking news, and maybe invest in some rainbow-colored stocks; we have a feeling this is going to be big.
