In a move that has left political pundits scratching their heads and questioning the very fabric of reality, Senator Barnaby Smith, known for his staunchly traditional views, publicly mocked this year's Pride celebrations, calling them a 'waste of perfectly good parade routes.' He then, in a breathtaking display of either supreme irony or profound delusion, announced the immediate launch of "Straight Pride Inc.," a charity dedicated to "preserving the sanctity of heterosexual lifestyles."
"These Pride parades," Senator Smith thundered in a press conference held in front of a suspiciously rainbow-colored backdrop, "are simply excessive! Where's the Straight Pride? The celebrations of the traditional family unit? The appreciation for… beige?"
He went on to explain the charity's key initiatives, which include funding research into the 'optimal number of children per nuclear family' (projected to be precisely 2.5, with a margin of error of ±0.1), developing a 'heteronormative coloring book,' and sponsoring a nationwide 'Straight-laced Fashion Show,' where participants are encouraged to showcase their commitment to monotone dressing.
The most striking aspect of Straight Pride Inc. is its fundraising method: "Rainbow-colored cash only." Donations can be made in any denomination, as long as they're bills of a vibrant rainbow hue. When pressed on the logistical challenges of acquiring rainbow-colored cash, Senator Smith simply winked and said, "It's the thought that counts… and the color that sells."
Many critics have pointed out the hypocrisy of the situation. One political analyst stated, "It's like if a vegan opened a bacon-themed restaurant. But instead of bacon, they serve...air. Air seasoned with irony and a hefty dose of bewilderment."
Senator Smith remains unfazed, claiming that his actions are a "testament to the power of free markets and the freedom to be fabulously hypocritical." The charity is already expecting an influx of donations, mostly from confused members of the public and collectors of novelty currency.
