In a stunning turn of events that has left the nation simultaneously baffled and strangely aroused, Mayor Mildred McMillan, known for her staunchly conservative views (and questionable toupee), cancelled this year's Pride parade citing ‘budgetary concerns’ and ‘excessive glitter pollution.’ The very next day, however, she wed renowned drag queen, Crystal Methyd – a union so unexpected it's given the term ‘heteronormative implosion’ a whole new meaning.
Sources say the marriage was a hastily arranged affair, officiated by a flamboyant alpaca named Kevin (who, we’re told, had previously performed several same-sex ceremonies, including one for two golden retrievers named after Supreme Court justices). The ceremony was apparently live-streamed on Grindr, which briefly crashed due to the sheer volume of shocked, yet strangely titillated, viewers.
Mayor McMillan’s office released a statement that read, in its entirety, ‘Love is love…and also, we really need that glitter-cleaning budget.’ This sentiment has been met with equal parts outrage and applause, with some claiming it’s the most authentically ‘woke’ political statement since that time someone accidentally tweeted the entirety of the Communist Manifesto using only emojis of kittens.
Conservatives, predictably, are apoplectic. One particularly irate commentator, claiming to be a representative of the group ‘Straight But Not Narrow-Minded…Unless It’s About Drag Queens,’ argued that McMillan's actions were 'an affront to traditional values and a clear sign of the apocalypse…or at least, a really good reality TV show.’ Others have suggested the whole affair was a publicity stunt designed to distract from the ongoing scandal involving the mayor's alleged involvement in a city-wide game of ‘Cards Against Humanity’ with the local badger population.
Regardless of the underlying motives, one thing is clear: the internet is having a field day. Memes are multiplying faster than Karen’s at a school board meeting. #MayorMcMillanWedsCrystalMethyd is currently trending worldwide, interspersed with images of bewildered squirrels and a surprisingly large number of videos of alpacas doing interpretive dance.
As for the Pride parade? It’s been rescheduled for next year, with rumours suggesting a significant increase in the glitter budget and a possible appearance by Kevin the alpaca as grand marshal. Let the chaotic, sparkly, queer apocalypse begin!
