In a twist more dramatic than a RuPaul’s Drag Race lip-sync for your life, Mildred McMillan, a history teacher at prestigious (and ironically named) Straight Arrow High, has accidentally ignited a full-scale culture war. McMillan, known for her staunch belief that Shakespeare is the only literature that matters (and that it should be performed exclusively in interpretive dance), recently banned all books with “explicitly LGBTQ+ themes” from the school library. Apparently, she confused ‘explicitly’ with ‘existently.’
The ensuing chaos began when, in a moment of what can only be described as divine, or perhaps devilishly ironic, intervention, McMillan assigned ‘The Gay Gatsby’ (a totally fictional, yet suspiciously accurate, reimagining of F. Scott Fitzgerald’s classic, featuring Jay Gatsby as a gender-fluid, crypto-queer flapper) as summer reading. The assignment sheet, featuring a cover image of Gatsby in a fabulous sequined gown, is now circulating on social media like a particularly infectious meme.
Parents are predictably enraged. One irate mother, Brenda Buttercup, was quoted as saying, "This is an outrage! My Chad won't be reading about such... *things*. He's got enough to deal with, what with the TikTok dances and his crippling fear of emotional vulnerability." Brenda's comments, of course, caused a minor social media meltdown, with numerous memes and satirical accounts dedicated to the irony of her statement.
Meanwhile, students are embracing the chaos. A group of students have even organized a ‘Gatsby Goes Glam’ themed protest, promising to appear at the next school board meeting in full flapper regalia. Their leader, a gender-fluid student named Willow, plans to confront McMillan with a single question: "If Gatsby’s fabulousness is inherently threatening, Mildred, does that mean *you* think *everyone* needs a little more sparkle in their life?"
The school board is currently holding emergency meetings, fueled by copious amounts of lukewarm coffee and increasingly desperate attempts to make sense of it all. McMillan herself remains tight-lipped, although a source within the school whispers she’s considering a career change: professional interpretive dance, naturally. The moral of this story? Even the most staunchly anti-LGBTQ+ initiatives can accidentally become glorious celebrations of queer culture. Now *that’s* what I call a plot twist.
