In a shocking turn of events that has sent ripples of terror (and glitter) through the conservative community, Ms. Karen Smith, a third-grade teacher known for her unwavering belief that dinosaurs are a liberal conspiracy, has launched a full-scale war against gender-neutral crayons. Her weapon of choice? A scathing exposé in *Gay Times* magazine, titled "My Crayons, My Choice: A Heterosexual's Lament."

Initially, Ms. Smith's crusade manifested as a series of increasingly aggressive attempts to segregate the classroom crayon box. "Pink for girls! Blue for boys! And those… *beige* ones? They're clearly for the undecided," she reportedly shrieked, sending a wave of existential dread through a class of eight-year-olds already grappling with the complexities of fractions.

Her refusal to embrace gender-neutral learning materials escalated, culminating in an infamous incident involving a glitter-bomb explosion and a poorly-timed interpretive dance to "YMCA." This display, widely circulated on TikTok, was viewed as both alarming and strangely mesmerizing. One comment read: "She’s like if a squirrel had a stroke and then discovered Nietzsche."

But Ms. Smith's unexpected foray into *Gay Times* has added a whole new layer to this saga. The magazine's cover features Ms. Smith, arms crossed defiantly, amidst a rainbow-colored explosion of crayons, her caption reading: "They took my crayons... but they can't take my heteronormativity!" The accompanying article details her struggle against the "woke agenda" and includes recipes for traditional gender-conforming casseroles.

While some criticize her actions as misguided, her sudden celebrity status has made her a beacon of hope for those who believe that the color beige should unequivocally represent a lack of commitment to gender fluidity. As for the third graders? They’re now holding a school-wide crayon-based protest, demanding more inclusive shades of beige. They’ve adopted the rallying cry: "Beige Lives Matter!" The educational implications are… unclear.