In a shocking display of… well, rainbows, Ms. Chardonnay Chardonnay, a 7th-grade history teacher at Millennial Middle School, has been accused of cultural terrorism – or, as the school board delicately put it, 'a concerning departure from established decorum.' The crime? Removing posters celebrating the achievements of 'historically significant heterosexuals' and replacing them with, and I quote, 'a vibrant, kaleidoscopic celebration of LGBTQ+ pride.'

Apparently, Ms. Chardonnay’s classroom now resembles a technicolor explosion straight out of a RuPaul's Drag Race runway challenge. Gone are the dusty portraits of dead white guys; replaced instead with an array of rainbow-striped unicorns, glitter-bombing squirrels, and a life-size cardboard cutout of Elliot Page wielding a rainbow-colored lightsaber (which, let's be honest, is objectively cooler than any portrait of Andrew Jackson).

'It’s a blatant attempt at indoctrination!' shrieked Brenda Higgins, a local parent whose son, Chad, believes the earth is flat and that dinosaurs coexisted with the Kardashians. 'They’re shoving this… this *rainbow agenda* down our throats! Next thing you know, they’ll be teaching kids that two dads can raise a child who doesn't believe the earth is flat… or that dinosaurs and the Kardashians were never contemporaries.'

Ms. Chardonnay, however, remains unfazed. 'It’s 2024, people!' she declared in a statement released via TikTok. 'Kids need to see themselves reflected in their learning environment. And let's be real, glitter glue is way more engaging than learning about the causes of the War of 1812. Plus, it’s good for fine motor skills!' She then added, somewhat cryptically, 'And yes, the unicorn is named after a very special someone in my life… His name's Sparklehoof.'

The school board is currently holding an emergency meeting, fueled by copious amounts of lukewarm coffee and anxiety. They’re reportedly considering replacing all classroom decorations with beige, lest any further acts of rainbow-fueled subversion occur. We’ll keep you updated on this developing… and dazzling… situation.