In a stunning display of judicial irony, Judge Harlan Fudd, a man whose courtroom decor is best described as 'early 90s law office meets aggressively beige', has banned the use of gender-neutral pronouns in his courtroom. Simultaneously, he released a 500-page manual titled, "A Judge's Guide to Socially Acceptable Linguistic Gymnastics: Or, How to Avoid Saying 'They' Without Sounding Like a Victorian-Era Madman".
The ruling, delivered with the dramatic flair of a particularly constipated squirrel, stated that the use of 'they/them' pronouns was 'too confusing for the jury, especially those over the age of 45 and who haven't used a computer since dial-up was king.' This statement was followed by a bizarre 20-minute lecture on the proper use of the word 'whom', leaving many to wonder if Judge Fudd had accidentally stumbled onto a time machine.
The irony wasn't lost on anyone. The accompanying manual, however, provided a dizzying array of alternative phrases. Want to refer to the defendant, whose preferred pronouns are 'xe/xem'? The manual suggests a delightful array of options, including, but not limited to: 'that person over there,' 'the individual in question,' and the surprisingly popular, 'the sentient being currently occupying the defendant's chair.' It even includes a flowchart to help navigate the minefield of modern gender identity. One branch even sends you to a page recommending an apology if you've incorrectly guessed someone's pronoun, immediately followed by a self-help section titled, 'Managing Existential Dread After Incorrect Pronoun Usage'.
Legal experts are baffled, while social media is ablaze with memes comparing Judge Fudd to a particularly stubborn dial-up modem. One popular meme depicts him in a courtroom robe, attempting to connect to the internet via carrier pigeon. Others jokingly suggest adding the manual to the required reading list for 'How To Be a Better Person 101', right after 'Reading the Room' and 'Understanding Sarcasm'. Meanwhile, the defendant, whose name is apparently 'Mx. Willow,' continues to patiently wait for their…uh…the, um… *individual currently occupying the defendant's chair*’s verdict. The trial continues. We'll keep you updated (using only gender-specific pronouns, as per Judge Fudd's ruling, obviously).
