In a shocking turn of events that has the internet ablaze (and not just with the fiery LGBTQ+ pride!), renowned athlete Chad Thundercock has refused to wear a Pride flag on his uniform, sparking outrage amongst the woke brigade. However, in a move even more controversial than his initial refusal (which involved quoting the Book of Leviticus, surprisingly out of context), Chad has launched a wildly successful line of 'anti-Pride' merchandise. Yes, you read that right.
The collection, cheekily titled "Chad's Closet of Conformity," features shirts emblazoned with slogans like "I identify as a taxpayer" and "My pronouns are He/Him/Cash," alongside baseball caps sporting the phrase "Keep your rainbow, give me my bonuses!" Ironically, the colors are all rainbow-hued. "It's a deliberate juxtaposition," Chad explained to our reporters (who were briefly blinded by his blindingly white smile), "capitalizing on the very thing I reject. It's like, rainbow-washed capitalism, but make it money!"
Critics – mostly comprised of drag queens and their perfectly-winged eyeliner – are crying foul, accusing Chad of co-opting the very movement he seemingly opposes. However, Chad's response is a masterful display of what can only be described as 'intentional ignorance': "I'm just making money. Is that not the American dream? I mean, besides, the proceeds are going to my new, incredibly straight, horse ranch. Think of it as a donation to the ‘Straight Pride Foundation’ – I haven't formed that yet, but definitely getting the trademark applied for."
This entire debacle has sparked furious debate across social media, with many questioning the inherent contradictions of 'rainbow capitalism.' Some call it a genius marketing ploy; others call it a blatant act of homophobic hypocrisy. Chad, ever the entrepreneur, simply smiles and points to his overflowing bank account. He's currently working on a new line featuring tiny, pro-heterosexual flags, sewn onto his line of highly-profitable, rainbow-coloured merchandise. He's even considering naming one of his new horse-riding crops 'The Hetero-whip'. Truly, the man is a genius.
