In a stunning display of cognitive dissonance that would make a quantum physicist weep, renowned television host Tucker Carlson has released a scathing condemnation of gender equality, titled, surprisingly, *Gender Equality: A How-To Guide for Maximizing Your Patriarchy*. The book, which clocks in at a whopping 784 pages (mostly photos of Carlson’s meticulously manicured lawn), argues that the very concept of gender equality is threatening the sacred institution of men wearing beige pants and complaining about avocado toast.

Sources close to Carlson (who, ironically, are all women) revealed that the manuscript was originally a series of angry emails to his dry cleaner, but was quickly expanded to include rambling chapters on the evils of women having careers, the inherent superiority of men’s fashion choices, and the threat posed by gender-neutral pronouns to the American way of life.

One particularly poignant passage reportedly describes Carlson's harrowing experience witnessing a man in a kilt — ‘a blatant display of societal collapse,’ according to the author. Experts have suggested this section might be the inspiration for Carlson's next project: a documentary exposing the dangers of plaid.

The book's marketing campaign promises it will “cure you of that pesky thing called ‘empathy,’” though skeptics have noted that the initial pre-orders appear to only consist of people named Chad and their moms. Meanwhile, LGBTQ+ rights organizations across the nation have started offering free meditation classes in response, citing the need for “collective stress management” in the face of such profound levels of ironic absurdity. We hear that the next chapter will be devoted to explaining why Carlson's decision to write the book makes him totally ‘woke,’ despite his claims otherwise. Stay tuned for a follow-up edition titled, 'How to write a best-selling book by attacking the values that your readers secretly crave.'