In a stunning display of corporate hypocrisy so blatant it practically requires its own Netflix documentary, Chester Chumley, CEO of Chumley's Chutneys (makers of the suspiciously-orange 'Spicy Surprise' chutney), has ignited a firestorm of… well, mostly confused bewilderment. Chumley, after vetoing his marketing team's proposed Pride Month ad campaign (deemed 'too flamboyant' and 'potentially alienating to the core demographic of 70-year-old men who exclusively eat chutney with boiled potatoes'), was subsequently photographed attending the Pride parade with his entire family, sporting matching 'Chumley's Chutneys: We're Mostly Straight, But We Love a Good Parade' onesies.
Sources claim the onesies, designed by a tragically underpaid intern named Kevin, featured glitter so aggressively iridescent it could be used as a viable alternative energy source. Images circulating on social media show Chumley, his wife, Delores (who reportedly once called RuPaul's Drag Race 'an abomination' in a now-infamous leaked email), and their three children – Chad, Brittany, and a surprisingly well-adjusted golden retriever named Mittens – enthusiastically waving rainbow flags, possibly pilfered from a nearby LGBTQ+ youth group.
'It's all about showing solidarity,' Chumley explained in a press release so deeply tone-deaf it practically won an Oscar. 'While we believe in fiscal conservatism, we also believe in embracing diversity... as long as it doesn't affect quarterly profits. Frankly, Delores said the parade was 'quite the spectacle,' and that's good enough for me.'
Meanwhile, LGBTQ+ activists have reacted with a mixture of weary cynicism, hilarious memes, and a GoFundMe to fund Kevin's therapy after this traumatic experience. One activist, known only as 'Kiki' on social media, commented: "It’s like watching a poorly-written play by a playwright who thinks understanding queerness means slapping a rainbow on everything and pretending that erases centuries of oppression."
The Chumley Chutney crisis serves as a powerful reminder: Sometimes, the most effective form of activism is simply witnessing the bafflingly contradictory actions of cisgender, heterosexual billionaires trying to profit from Pride. And, of course, the sheer comedic genius of rainbow onesies. Stay tuned for further updates, because this chutney-flavored drama is just getting started.
