In a move that has left the internet simultaneously baffled and bedazzled, tech titan Chad Thundercock, CEO of the ironically named 'Straight-Laced Solutions,' has announced the immediate cancellation of all Pride-related merchandise – including the wildly popular ‘Gayming’ controllers – while simultaneously launching a dazzling new line of rainbow-branded tech.
'It's a strategic pivot,' Thundercock explained in a press release featuring him awkwardly posing with a unicorn-shaped power bank. 'We realized that simply slapping a rainbow on a product wasn't authentic enough. We needed a more… *holistic* approach to rainbow capitalism.' This holistic approach, apparently, involves renaming the company's flagship product, the ‘Hetero-Normative Navigator’ GPS, to the ‘Queer Quest,’ and featuring a drag queen tutorial on how to properly use its voice navigation system (apparently, RuPaul's voice was too expensive).
Critics, naturally, are losing their minds. One particularly irate commenter on the company's Facebook page (which has now been renamed ‘Facebook – but more inclusive!’) wrote, 'This is the wokest, most over-the-top, rainbow-infested garbage I’ve ever seen! They've gone full-on rainbow unicorn sparkly-vomit crazy! Bring back the plain beige mousepads!' Another, equally outraged individual simply posted, 'Where's the beef?' (This commenter was then promptly invited to a company-sponsored queer beef-eating contest, the details of which are still somewhat vague).
The new product line, dubbed 'Rainbow Capitalism 2.0: The Sequel Nobody Asked For,' includes items like the 'Gender-Fluid Gaming Headset' (allegedly capable of switching between multiple genders in real-time), and the 'Pansexual Power Strip' (guaranteed to power anything – gender identity not included).
However, despite the initial backlash, early sales figures are reportedly through the roof. Analysts predict that ‘Rainbow Capitalism 2.0’ will quickly become a billion-dollar industry, proving once again that the true power of capitalism lies in exploiting – I mean *embracing* – even the most exquisitely nuanced aspects of the human condition. And what's more nuanced than excessive rainbow branding, eh?
