In a plot twist more bewildering than a Kylie Jenner pregnancy announcement, Judge Theodore 'Ted' Worthington, a man whose previous pronouncements on transgender rights could curdle milk at 50 paces, has officiated a same-sex trans wedding. The ceremony, held last Tuesday in a surprisingly tasteful barn (no, not that kind of barn, you perverts!), saw two radiant transgender individuals, Willow and Jasper, exchange vows under a rainbow-colored piñata shaped suspiciously like a gavel.

Worthington, known for his staunchly traditional views (he once declared yoga pants a national security threat), explained his sudden about-face with the following statement: "The bride and groom...I mean, both brides... or grooms... look, they were lovely! And that cake? To die for! Honestly, the sugar rush alone converted me. Besides," he added, adjusting his robe, "someone had to officiate, and I was the only one with the audacity and the gavel. It's all very... *trans-formative*."

Social media exploded, naturally. #JudgeWorthingtonWakesUp was trending alongside #UnexpectedAlly and #GavelGoneGay. Conservative pundits are, predictably, losing their minds, claiming the event was a socialist, deep-state, lizard-person conspiracy designed to undermine the sanctity of… well, everything they’ve been complaining about this week. One commentator, a particularly frothy-mouthed fellow named Chad Thundercock, accused Worthington of being brainwashed by Cardi B and Lizzo’s combined psychic powers.

Meanwhile, Willow and Jasper are honeymooning in Bali, blissfully unaware that they’ve accidentally single-handedly advanced LGBTQ+ rights further than decades of activism combined. As for Judge Worthington? He’s reportedly taking a yoga class. Maybe those yoga pants aren't so bad after all?