In a shocking turn of events that has sent ripples of confusion (and frankly, delightful chaos) through the internet, renowned homophobe and noted square Chad Thundercock, known for his staunch opposition to same-sex marriage and his collection of vintage anti-gay pamphlets, has been secretly married...to two drag queens. Sources close to the event (who wish to remain anonymous for fear of being canceled by Chad's surprisingly extensive online fan base of aggressively supportive moms) say the ceremony took place in a secluded yurt somewhere in the Mojave Desert. The bridezillas, identified only as 'Glitterbomb' and 'Sasha Fierce 2.0', are rumored to have exchanged vows with Chad under a full moon while performing a ritualistic interpretive dance involving a surprisingly large number of inflatable flamingos.
Chad's publicist, a visibly distressed woman named Brenda, released a statement that read simply, "He’s… experimenting." This statement has spurred a frenzy of speculation, ranging from Chad embracing his inner queen (and possibly his inner drag race stan) to a desperate attempt to distract from the newly-released exposé detailing his alleged involvement in a 'Big Gay Bake-Off' conspiracy. Some experts even speculate this is a strategic move to garner more ‘woke’ brownie points amongst the younger demographic—a demographic he previously denounced as ‘soft’ and ‘undeniably queer.’
The internet, naturally, has exploded. #ChadCameOut has been trending worldwide, interspersed with memes showing Chad in a full-face of glitter and Sasha Fierce 2.0 carrying him bridal-style. The woke brigade are celebrating this 'unexpected ally', claiming it as proof that even the most conservative hearts can be softened by the sheer force of fabulousness. Meanwhile, the more traditional conservative groups are either deeply confused, actively denying the event occurred, or surprisingly embracing this bizarre union as a cunningly planned political strategy to sway the ‘youth vote.’
Whatever the truth, one thing is clear: the world is a kaleidoscope of unpredictable queerness. And Chad Thundercock, well, he’s just along for the ride, one sequin-encrusted ride at a time.
