In a shocking revelation that's simultaneously groundbreaking and utterly predictable, daytime talk show host Chad Thundercock announced yesterday that aliens – yes, *aliens* – are responsible for his newfound bisexuality. During a tearful, yet surprisingly well-lit, segment on "Chad's Chat," Chad claimed extraterrestrial beings, using advanced interdimensional technology and an unusually high concentration of glitter, 'recalibrated' his sexual orientation.

'It was a Tuesday,' Chad recalled, dabbing his eyes with a designer handkerchief. 'I was just, you know, watching reruns of *Golden Girls* – something Blanche Devereaux would totally do. Next thing I know, I'm surrounded by shimmering orbs and singing space hamsters. They were very polite, offering me cosmic kombucha and pamphlets on ethical non-monogamy. And then... *BAM!* Bisexual. Like, instantly. It was surprisingly less traumatic than my last breakup with Brenda, and significantly less messy than that time I tried to make my own vegan mayonnaise.'

The news has sent shockwaves through the already fragile ecosystem of conservative Twitter. One user, identified only as '@MAGA_Chad_Hates_Glitter,' tweeted: 'This is why we need to build a wall… around Uranus!' (Others pointed out the irony of his username.)

Meanwhile, the LGBTQ+ community is, unsurprisingly, celebrating. A spokesperson for the Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgender, Queer, Intersex, Asexual, Plus community (GLBTQIA2S+) issued a statement saying, 'We've always suspected the aliens were allies. Now we have proof. The galactic federation clearly has a more robust inclusivity policy than, say, certain states in the American Midwest.'

Scientists, however, remain skeptical. Dr. Penelope Proton, a leading astrophysicist, commented, 'While we've observed several anomalies in spacetime that may or may not involve singing hamsters, the link between interdimensional travel and sexual orientation remains inconclusive. Although, I *did* see a particularly flamboyant nebula last night… hmmm.'

Chad, meanwhile, is planning a galactic-themed pride parade, complete with alien-themed floats, glow-stick dances, and an endless supply of cosmic kombucha. It is expected to attract not just the usual suspects but also a surprisingly large number of conservative politicians struggling with unexpected surges in empathy.