In a stunning reversal that has left diversity consultants scratching their heads and clutching their kale smoothies, Chad Thundercock, CEO of MegaCorp, has announced the immediate cancellation of his company's controversial 'Queer Hiring Initiative.' Sources say the program, initially lauded as a groundbreaking step towards inclusivity, was deemed 'too darn gay' by Mr. Thundercock after a single, disastrous meeting where someone dared to suggest replacing the office's beige color scheme with a more vibrant, Pride-flag-inspired palette.
However, fear not, allies! In a move so breathtakingly performative it could rival a Beyoncé concert, Mr. Thundercock has swiftly replaced the 'Queer Hiring Initiative' with 'Rainbow Capitalism 3000,' a program so aggressively inclusive it actively solicits applications from anyone who can convincingly whisper the word 'Latte' in a low register.
"It wasn't that I was against gay people," Thundercock explained to reporters, while simultaneously sporting a rainbow-striped tie and a pin featuring two drag queens arm-wrestling a unicorn. "It's just that... well, the gays, you know... they're *so* last season. We need a more *dynamic* approach to diversity! Something... more marketable. Think inclusive synergy, not just... inclusivity."
The new initiative includes mandatory diversity training sessions featuring interpretive dance to Lizzo's discography, mandatory pronoun-pronunciation drills (including the newly invented gender-neutral pronoun 'Zhe'), and a company-wide pledge to ensure every corporate event has at least one person who identifies as 'gender-fluid-but-into-heavy-metal'.
Critics have accused Thundercock of performative allyship, pointing out that Rainbow Capitalism 3000 is essentially 'Queer Hiring Initiative' with extra marketing flair and a hefty dose of corporate jargon. But as one anonymous MegaCorp employee wisely noted, "At least the coffee machine now dispenses rainbow-colored soy milk. Small victories." Meanwhile, the beige color scheme remains firmly in place, because, apparently, even capitalism has its limits.
